i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
