So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dignity is for republicans.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
