life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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