Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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