Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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