he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
