i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
