I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
