And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
