please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
