my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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