Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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