I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
