sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
