I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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