Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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