I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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