Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
