I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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