I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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