A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
