Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
