Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
