he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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