Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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