Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
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me + whiskey = a bad person
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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