Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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