I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
