i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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