a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
