dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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