I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
