Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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