We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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