just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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