Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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