just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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