If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
