I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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