just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
