Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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