Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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