I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
