We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's official drugs can't kill me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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