I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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