Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
