you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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