and you said cock pushups were impossible
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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