The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize