i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
