i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
