I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
