Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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