I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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