i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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