I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Blood and glitter go together right?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
