Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
