Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
